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Shitpost (TV series)/Oh Shit, Oh Fuck
Oh Shit Oh Fuck is the 9th episode of the second season of Shitpost, and is the 30th episode overall. Premise Unikitty and Puppycorn accidentally summon a shit-addicted demon from the underworld. Part 1/3 of the Guido trilogy. Transcript (Open on a shot of UNIKITTY's room. She is on her computer browsing r/copypasta on Reddit. A knock on the door is heard.) PUPPYCORN: (O.S.) H-hewwo? UNIKITTY: The shed is open. Proceed. (PUPPYCORN opens the door and closes it once he comes inside.) UNIKITTY: Hey, Little Bro! What do you wanna do today? PUPPYCORN: Praise Jesus! UNIKITTY: Heaven yeah! I love Jesus! PUPPYCORN: On a sidenote, where are Frown, Fink and Dr. Fox? UNIKITTY: They're on vacation! They said they'll be back today! (Cut to: MASTER FROWN, DR. FOX and FINK on an airplane. MASTER FROWN and FINK are causing chaos and generally being dicks.) FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Sir, ma'am, you can’t do that on the airline! FINK: Stop being Frownphobic, ma’am! We paid good money for this tickets! We have the right to do whatever we want! (FINK sticks out her tongue at the flight attendant.) (DR.FOX facepalms.) DR. FOX: (deadpan, annoyed) Leave me out of this. (Cut back to: UNIKITTY and PUPPYCORN.) UNIKITTY: Ah, I hope all is well~ PUPPYCORN: Knowing Frown and Fink, things are not goin' well! Speakin' of Frown, he told me a story last night about the scariest demon in all of the underworld! He is summoned whenever you talk about bodily functions, and his name is Gu- UNIKITTY: (trembling) Oh no, not him! He's like, legitimately scary! So like, if I talk about poop-y- PUPPYCORN: (outraged) DON'T SAY THAT! You're gonna summon him! (A shit-brown aura then surrounds the exact center of UNIKITTY's bedroom. UNIKITTY and PUPPYCORN huddle together.) ???: Did-a someone say... poop-y? (Cut to: UNIKITTY and PUPPYCORN huddles together, scared and shaking.) (The aura then slows down and disappears, revealing a blue forklift with a big, toothy smile.) ???: Well, I'm sure glad to be here, I hope there's-a lots of poop-y here! The name's Guido. It's a pleasure to-a meet you. PUPPYCORN: (still trembling) H-hello, Guido. GUIDO: Whassup, poopies? Time to unleash some poop-y on this joint! UNIKITTY: Oh god, no! GUIDO: POOP-Y TIME! (GUIDO gets out a shit-launcher and begins aimlessly shooting shit at the wall.) PUPPYCORN: (shocked) Look what you've done, Sis!! UNIKITTY: I'm sorry! How do I get rid of him?! (Cut to: GUIDO leaving the room. Once he leaves, DEZ peeks through the doorway.) DEZ: Has anyone seen a shit-eating blue forklift around? GUIDO: (O.S.) Yeah, that's me! DEZ: (yelling to GUIDO) I fucked your mom, Shitlips! GUIDO: Shitlips? Why-a thank you, Mr. Leprechaun! (AKIKO floats into the scene from the floor.) AKIKO: Dez, stop swearing. You'll make Jesus angry- (looks at GUIDO) Hey, who's that? GUIDO: I'm-a Guido! Certified poop-y eater! (GUIDO lets out a massive shit, turns around and eats it. DEZ pukes all over the floor as this happens. The viewer can hear retching noises as this happens.) DEZ: (dazed) GOD! That's so gross! (AKIKO squints her eyes at GUIDO as he continues to eat the contents of his shit.) GUIDO: What? AKIKO: DEZ: I want to die so bad. I am ready to give up. AKIKO: Ouch. GUIDO: Anyway, forget-a you guys! The both of you are coprophobes! DEZ: (pained) Somebody, please end it all. (UNIKITTY and PUPPYCORN walk out.) (MASTER FROWN, FINK and DR. FOX walk into the scene with luggages.) FINK: What happened here? AKIKO: What did you think happened? We just saw an Italian forklift eat his own crap. (The viewer can hear GUIDO zooming off to somewhere else.) (Cut to: the downstairs bathroom. GUIDO is scouting for poop-y.) GUIDO: Now, if I were some poop-y, where would I be? (Cut to: a shot of GUIDO hunched over the toilet bowl, when a flashlight shines over him.) MASTER FROWN: (O.S., yelling) PERISH, SHIT-EATER! GUIDO: Well, it is a known fact that I eat-a the shit- MASTER FROWN: (O.S., yelling) And that's why we don't want you here! Get out! GUIDO: Are you-a kidding me right-a now? MASTER FROWN: (yelling) No, I'm not! Get out now before I fuck your wi- AKIKO: (O.S.) What's going on down there? MASTER FROWN: (yelling to AKIKO) It's nothing. (MASTER FROWN knocks GUIDO out with a nearby bucket.) (Cut to: the outside of the mancave. In first person, GUIDO slowly opens his eyes. Everything is fuzzy. He sees a figure standing over him.) GUIDO: (echoed, confused) Guido with Tits, is that you? (GUIDO’s eyes come in to focus, and the viewer sees AKIKO standing over him. She slaps him in the face, causing him to fall onto the gravel. The camera cuts out of first person and into a normal view of the two.) AKIKO: That’s not my name, bakatare! Now shoo, shoo! Kutabaru! GUIDO: I don't speak-a "weeb", so I'm-a staying here until you let me back in! (AKIKO rolls her eyes and floats back to the front door of the mancave.) (Cut to: the mancave's basement. Everyone is either sitting down or standing.) UNIKITTY: We have GOT to get rid of Guido! FINK: You can say that again. (GUIDO is now in the background. He is seen talking to people but it is inaudible. Everyone he talks to acts in disgust and immediately walks away from him.) GUIDO: (in background) POOP-Y! POOOOOP-Y!!!!!! UNIKITTY: Yeah, we need to do something about that... thing. Right now. SHANNON: (enthusiastic, loudly enough to make the speakers crack a little bit) YEET! (SHANNON kicks the table upside down almost effortlessly and dabs.) FINK: (annoyed, deadpan) ...Never say or do that again. SHANNON: Understood. UNIKITTY: But wait... how do we get rid of him? SUSIE: Slaughtering him mercilessly. (Everyone stares at SUSIE for 5 seconds. It is silent.) (Cut to: a shot of a dead GUIDO with a kitchen knife in him. The camera cuts to AKIKO’s face as she’s laughing maniacally… until the camera zooms out, showing AKIKO is watching Family Guy on TV, not even noticing the gruesome act of murder.) AKIKO: Wow, that Family Guy episode was hilarious! (AKIKO then turns and looks directly at the camera with an evil smirk. The camera zooms in super close to AKIKO’S face with a dramatic “DUN DUN DUN” stock sound effect. Then DEZ bursts in.) DEZ: Hey, what episode is that? AKIKO: "Patriot Games." DEZ: I love that one! (MASTER FROWN walks into the scene with a skeptical look on his face.) MASTER FROWN: Hey Keeks, do you have anything to do with the dead forklift carcass I just found in the kitchen? (AKIKO shrugs.) DEZ: (scared) You KILLED Guido? (AKIKO nods.) (MASTER FROWN and DEZ stare at AKIKO.) AKIKO: (nonchalant) What? I took Susie's suggestion from earlier. It turned out to be the most fun I’ve had in weeks! DEZ: Did you take out his bloodline too? AKIKO: Nah. (GUIDO opens his eyes.) GUIDO: (distorted) You thought you could-a get rid of-a ME?! AKIKO: (deadpan) Rot in hell. DEZ: (panicking) What do we do?! What do we do?! AKIKO: (panicking) I don’t know! I think we might die! UNIKITTY: (O.S.) What are you screaming about?! It's 3 AM and I'm trying to sleep! AKIKO: (yelling to UNIKITTY) Guido came back after I killed him! We need as much help as we can get! UNIKITTY: (O.S.) I'll help, as long as I'll be napping within five minutes. FINK: (O.S., yelling) Wait, someone killed Guido?! About time! PUPPYCORN: (O.S., yelling) You said it! (As FINK says that, GUIDO opens his eyes and gets himself back up.) AKIKO: (in shock) Crap! He's not dead! MASTER FROWN: Puppycorn, Unikitty, Fink, get down here! We need all the help we can get! (Cut to: MASTER FROWN, AKIKO, DEZ, UNIKITTY, PUPPYCORN and FINK backing away. DEZ is looking in every direction, wary.) DEZ: This is way too dark. I hate it. FINK: Ha, chicken! DEZ: (defensive) I’m not a chicken! I just don’t like the dark… (DEZ sees a punching bag in the open storage room nearby and screams. AKIKO rolls her eyes.) (Behind AKIKO, two angry eyes open in the darkness. DEZ, UNIKITTY, PUPPYCORN and MASTER FROWN freeze in fear. AKIKO: There’s something right behind me, isn’t there? MASTER FROWN: Ruuuuuuuuun! (The six scream and run in the opposite direction as GUIDO lunges at them. UNIKITTY AND FINK talk to each other as they dash through the labyrinth that is the basement.) UNIKITTY: (while huffing from running) I don't think we'll be getting rid of him… FINK: (angrily, while huffing from running) Don’t get that idea! (FINK jumps off to the side and hides in a cardboard box as the rest keep running. GUIDO runs over and stops, confused where they went.) UNIKITTY: (O.S., yelling to GUIDO) Hey, ugly! (GUIDO turns around, looks to UNIKITTY, and growls.) FINK: (O.S., angrily and muffled) Hey! UNIKITTY: No, not you--Guido! (GUIDO inches toward UNIKITTY, growling ferociously. PUPPYCORN jumps in.) PUPPYCORN: Take… THIS! (PUPPYCORN somehow makes a fist and punches GUIDO straight in the face. GUIDO is in shock, and spits out a tooth. PUPPYCORN is smiling triumphantly. GUIDO lunges at him and they began to brawl. The camera cuts to AKIKO, far away from the action, watching Family Guy, oblivious to the huge fight in the background. DEZ is behind her, clipping into the floor while doing a T-Pose.) (Back in the action, UNIKITTY and PUPPYCORN are being brutally beaten up by GUIDO.) UNIKITTY: My face! PUPPYCORN: Creepy ghost girl! Help! (Cut to: FINK in the cardboard box.) FINK: (angrily, muffled) HEY! IT'S REALLY WARM IN HERE AND I CAN'T BREATHE! IF I END UP BREAKING MY BACK IN HERE, YOU'LL ALL BE PAYING FOR MY MEDICAL BILLS! (As FINK says that, she can be heard banging on and scratching the box.) (Cut to: AKIKO watching Family Guy in the next room over. DEZ is still T-Posing beside her.) UNIKITTY: (O.S., yelling to AKIKO) Hey! Help! (AKIKO groans as she gets out of her seat.) AKIKO: (annoyed, deadpan.) What? PUPPYCORN: Guido hurt us. UNIKITTY: We're defenceless! Help! AKIKO: (groans) Fine. (AKIKO uses her possession abilities from the Wishfart episode "We're a Ragtag Team" to bring GUIDO into the room and slam him against the wall repeatedly.) AKIKO: Leave these grounds this instant, or else I'll- (cut-off) (Screen goes black for 5 seconds.) (Cut to: DEZ, UNIKITTY, MASTER FROWN and PUPPYCORN cringing at what they see before them as crashing noises and screams can be heard from off-screen.) (GUIDO continues to scream in agony off screen until his voice gurgles out and he goes silent. AKIKO turns around.) AKIKO: He's gone now. UNIKITTY: Good. MASTER FROWN: I am overjoyed. (FINK walks into the scene, huffing from breath loss.) FINK: Hey, assholes. Thanks a lot for not bothering to help me when I was screaming in agony 5 minutes ago. (Screen goes black for 15 seconds. Images of GUIDO's bloodshot eyes opening as the words "I'M BACK", "I AM GOD" and "DADDY'S HERE" flicker on and off the screen as the episode comes to a close.) Category:Shitpost (TV series) Category:Stuff by PixelMiette